Not to get political, but there seems to be alot of protesting going on lately. And while this protesting did lead to the glorious rise of the term “brotestor”, the chief complaint from confused white people everything has been “what do these kooky kids want? what are their demands, besides more weed waka waka”. Well, in a preemptive move, Fight Mass would like to make a list of demands that should be accommodated if you ever want to…..something? Nevertheless, here is a sample ransom form that should be used if we decide to occupy the bill (aka passing out drunk after forgetting to eat all day before a pregame something that has obviously never happened right guys?)
Fight Mass has come into possession of the super duper secret notebook of Don “Toot” Cahoon, and if you ever want to see it again, the following demands must be met. Though we are willing to negotiate, because we really don’t know what to do with a notebook full of sonnets about Mark Dennehy and the phrase “All work and no (power)play makes Toot a dull boy” written over and over.
Fight Mass demands the following
Where is my pixies durring games huh? I mean, there is a song about UMass for fuck’s sake! You are just going to ignore the biggest cultural contribution UMass has made in the last 30 years because it isn’t a pop song? Oh, its becasue there is a dirty word in there? Well so does half of the rap you play, you just don’t play the part with the cursing and YOU CAN DO THAT FOR THIS SONG TOO YOU IDIOTS! And while we’re on the subject, why no dinosaur jr? I want “Almost ready” played before the puck drop. I want Freak Scene played in any context always ever. The late 80’s early 90’s Amherst music scene is legendary and to never play these artists is a slap in the fact too Happy Valley culture! FIX IT NERDS!
We want a hockey band. As a certain geometry blog pointed out far more eloquently, the hockey team needs a band. The women’s basketball team has a band for fuck sake, and all we get as hockey fans is a top 40 station over the speakers, with a notoriously out-of-tune recording of Fight Mass? Nah son, its time to join the rest of hockey east and get a band. Merrimack has a band, and they are barely a school. FIX IT.
I want a dunkins at the Mullins center. And booze, but I would rather have the dunks first ($3 coffee > $8 bud light). Although we would take Dunkins as an advertiser at the Bill as a start. Did you know that UMass is the only school in HE not sponsored by dunkins? how dare they. FIX IT
Enough with the noise meeter. It sucks. If you are going to have a noise meeter, at least have a legitimate noise meeter, like the one the Bruins have. The noise meeter at the Mullins center is a video of a noise meeter that has ABSOLUTELY NO CORELATION TO WHAT TYPE OF NOISE IS EMANATING FROM THE CROWD! Thats almost like having a recording of a fight song at a sporting event. Oh wait…..F-F-F-F-F-FFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIX IT!!!!!1
We demand 3 more years of eligibility for Doug Kublin. Although it will be hard to lure him back after he has had german girls. Amherst pucksluts, stup ya game up.
If we are killed durring this hostage crisis, we demand that Chip Ainsworth and Scoops Marurek write our truth fearing obituary.
Please leave more demands in the comment section, as I’m sure I missed many injustices.
This post was much funnier in my head,