Contributor’s Corner: Which terrible beer is YOUR school?

I almost forgot an important note: Hey kids, it’s time to break out the “High on Crack Street” chant for this weekend’s Lowell series. Here, go educate yourselves if you don’t get it. Dumb kids.

And now, contributor Jarod Hendrickson compares the teams of Hockey East to alcoholic beverages, because it’d be unconstitutional for me to hog all the tenuous metaphors for myself. By the way, now that Derek is basically a figurehead and Matt’s job has absorbed all of his free time, I’m more than happy to accept other contributions…if you wanna write something, message me or our page on Facebook and let me know.

-Max

Contributor’s Corner: The alcoholic’s guide to Hockey East

by Jarod Hendrickson

As students return to campus and mini fridges are being plugged back in, let’s put on
our fun hats and break down what each Hockey East school would look like if they
were a beer. [Editor’s note: The captions are courtesy of yours truly. -Max]

Boston University

Sam Adams. Classy, full bodied, and a staple of Boston. A rich history and a national recognition. Not as arrogant as other beers, and is something you respect, even if it isn’t your pint of beer. [And probably the only one I’d admit to drinking on this list. -Max]

don't be silly, BU kids only drink the finest champagne out of escargo-rimmed crystal glasses

Merrimack

Four Loko. What exactly is it? I mean it will get the job done but something just isn’t right, just like Merrimack itself. They’ve only been around since 1947, and the campus
resembles a strip mall. Basically non existent it’s entire history, Merrimack has burst
onto the college hockey scene in recent years, but like Four Loko, all good things will
come to an end. Their “arena”, and we’ll use that term loosely, is a dump, if it were
an animal it would have been shot a long time ago. Overall Merrimack just a fad, and
people will look back thinking, “why did we even bother?”

this guy certainly went to Merrimack. Haha just kidding, nobody goes to Merrimack.

 

Boston College

Guinness. It’s good, arrogant, and something that must be dealt with a few times a year.
Comparing it against lesser beers really never works out, but on occasion that shitty
light beer tastes better (hey that’s us!). Always leaves you full after going toe to toe for a few rounds.

I'll take the classy high road and not mention blood stained beer cans on the Green Line here.

 

University of Maine

Bud Heavy…rugged, in the cup holder of diesel trucks, and a staple of an entire state.
Aside from pro Boston teams and a couple minor league teams in Portland..Maine
hockey is all the rage (the “maine” event, if you will) [I will not. – Max] . There might be better, flashier beers out there, but it’s hard to top Maine hockey.

lol "weiser" like "wiser" only less wise because it's Maine

 

UMass Eastern Massachusetts State College at Lowell

Colt 45. Poor Lowell, literally. The fat, ugly stepsister of UMass is located in the armpit of Mass. Every season of Cops should have been filmed here, they’d have plenty of material. [Again, I think “High on Crack Street” trumps this. A lot. – Max] Lowell hockey may look promising at times, like that occasion where you’re considering partying in poverty with Colt 45, but just avoid it and you’ll be happy you did.

I would have gone with Poland Spring vodka, personally. Or cocaine. Either is accurate.

 

Providence College

Odoul’s. Providence doesn’t bring much excitement to the table, just like Odoul’s. From the dry campus to the well patrolled parking lot, making tailgating impossible, PC is PG-
13. Although they’ve climbed out of the Hockey East cellar this year, we may have to
bump them up to Mike’s Hard next year.

reminds me of that first scene in 30 Minutes or Less that's almost kinda funny before Swardson and McBride showed up and ruined the rest of the movie

 

The University of Massachusetts

[redacted] [Jarod wrote something here comparing our fine university to Busch Light. Surely he was drunk or someone hacked his Twitter or the Patriots were showing him the wrong down on the scoreboard or something. UMass is hereby represented by Snake Juice. High-end, VIP, exclusive. An ounce of this will *lit’rally* kill you. Now shut up, I’m tired and I’m drunk and I need more Snork Juice. Yes, I realize it’s not beer SHUT UP THAT’S HOW AWESOME IT IS – Max]

it's about to get ca-razz-ey.

 

University of New Hampshire

Keystone. Oh New Hampshire..where to begin. The nicknames are endless, the south of the north, Alabama with snow, and so on. If New Hampshire was relocated to the
south, no one would notice. [Hey, I resemble that remark! – Max] UNH has won a total of 0 national titles, despite high expectations most years, shitting the bed year after year. Until they break through, and even after, New Hampshire will always be the trailer trash of Hockey East.

look at that horrible road. fitting.

 

Northeastern University

Northeastern hockey just screams, “Hey, we’re here to party, but don’t bother taking us seriously.” It doesn’t help having to share the city with two perennial Hockey East frontrunners. Northeastern is the first friend you have that reaches blackout status, he’ll be fun at times and entertaining, but in the end no one really cares because his tolerance sucks and he’ll just end up throwing up in your bathroom.

LOL BETTER STICK TO LITE SO YOU CAN IMPRESS THE LADIES DURING NO-TEE OT!!!!1

 

University of Vermont

Vermont is..different. They’re not on the way to anything, except skiing and endless
bottles of maple syrup I guess if you’re into that kind of thing. [And Canada! – Max] It’s no mystery that UVM’s campus is filled with hipsters, and what better beer to represent them good ole PBR.

or moonshine, if you're Tim Thomas

So there you have it. Enjoy the great sports weekend at UMass, and as always, drink
up.

– Jarod

 

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